Dear Future Jen-this is not a weight loss post



Dear Future Jen,

This is not a weight loss post. Though it may look like one. I look in the mirror and I see the fat on my body and it feels awful. Having fat is so stigmatized in our society that one look in the mirror and I can convince myself that I am worthless just based on that. What society believes about me based on my looks is that I have no value and that I don’t look after myself. And though it’s hard to admit. Painful to admit, they’d be half right. I don’t look after myself.

I don’t think about the food I’m eating. I don’t consider if it has nutritional value or not. I eat when I’m hungry which is how it should be but what I don’t think about is what I’m feeding that hunger with. I have an eating disorder. I eat for comfort, I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m upset, I eat to punish myself to damage myself. I eat til my plate is clean and yours is too.

I don’t exercise. I have so much pain some days that getting out of bed is the challenge. But on days when I am able to move more. I don’t because I’m paralyzed by the fear that it will hurt. And so I sit. I lie down. I become more and more sedentary.

I feel like I’m caught in this cycle.

But Future Jen, this year, in 2017 we promised ourselves a revolution. We promised ourselves we’d shake things up and that is just what I intend to do. I don’t plan to cut back on food. I’ll eat when I’m hungry because I truly believe that deprivation is not the way to health. What I will do is think about nutrition and what I want to fuel my body with. I have control over what I eat and I’ll make more conscious decisions. But if I want pie or cheesecake, I’m having pie or cheesecake. (just saying)

I’ll work with my physiotherapist to overcome my Kinesiophobia. I plan to move more this year, though right now I don’t know what that looks like.

So Future Jen, I’ll do all these things not because I want to lose weight. The truth is I’ll always have fat on my body. I do these things because I want life to be better for you. I want you to feel better, more energetic, I want every cell in you to have the nutrition it needs so that you can heal. I’ll do this for you because I know one day you’ll thank me.


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Resolution or Revolution?

Resolution or Revolution

Happy New Year! The new year often marks a time when people reflect about the previous year and start thinking about what they might want to accomplish in the next. At least its always been that way for me. I can’t say that I’ve been the best at creating resolutions and sticking to them, in fact I usually fail miserably. So this year, I decided not to set any resolutions at all. Instead I want a REVOLUTION. I want to shake the cobwebs off this life I’ve been living and move from simply existing day to day in this reactive mode where things happen to me and I react, to a place where I am living more purposefully and am proactive in the life I am creating for myself.

There are things I have no control over. I have no control over my pain. I medicate, I do the modalities I need to function like physio and massage therapy but the pain is always there. I have very little control over my anxiety and mental illnesses (at least right now) I medicate and I do the modalities I need to function like therapy and seeing my psychiatrist, but I’m still hit with panic and anxiety attacks and I still feel afraid a lot of the time. But I can’t live another year with just this- pain and appointments.

I started thinking about the things in my life that I do have control over. And the biggest realization I had was that I don’t love myself and because of that I don’t take care of myself. It’s the little things, like getting dressed everyday or as simple as flossing. It’s the big things like nutrition and self acceptance (gulp), and dare I say it- feeling like I am worth something. These are things I can take control of, that I can add to my life.

I’m 40. And my spark is gone. I have no passion, no enthusiasm, no zest for life. But I have to believe, need to believe that I can change that. It won’t happen all at once. Or overnight, but little by little, day by day I can make small changes, take small steps in the direction I want my life to go. Because it is my life, an no one can live it but me.

That’s why I say its time for a REVOLUTION! Time to shake things up. If life is a story, I want mine to be a bestseller. I hope you’ll follow along with me.


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A Case of the Wishes


I’ve come down with a case of the “wishes”. It doesn’t involve a fever or the flu but it is that feeling that overcomes you when you want your life to be different and you spend time wishing for what it could be.  Like these ones that came over me today:

  • I wish I wasn’t in pain
  • I wish I wasn’t anxious all the time
  • I wish I was there was a cure for fibromyalgia
  • I wish there was a cure for depression
  • I wish there was a cure for PTSD
  • I wish I could work
  • I wish I could contribute somehow
  • I wish I was thinner and pretty
  • I wish I could read a book in a day like I use to
  • I wish money wasn’t a concern for us
  • I  wish I could fix up the house the way we’d like to
  • I wish Trump wasn’t running for President of the U.S. (this scares me)
  • I wish people always had a safe place to live and food in their bellies
  • I wish I was really really smart and could solve the worlds problems

One of the biggest problems with a “case of the wishes” is that it makes you feel powerless over your life.

Where do you begin to change things? and is it even possible?

In my case, getting what I wish for just isn’t going to happen. So what do I do?

I think there are two remedies that can cure a case of the wishes. A good dose of reality and spending the time to create a gratitude list or at least looking at one you’ve already created- like this one I made here. That’s what I intend to do this afternoon. Make a cup of tea and spend time with a feeling of gratitude and remind myself that my life is really blessed.

Have you ever been hit with a case of the wishes? What’s one wish you have? What about one thing you’re grateful for? Let me know in the comments.

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Crisis Line-Here 24/7

crisis line

Have you every called a crisis line? I have. In fact, I often call at least once a week.

Here 24/7 is a crisis line and a “front door to the addictions, mental health and crisis services provided by 12 agencies across Waterloo – Wellington – Dufferin.” You can call whether you need to talk to someone or if you need a referral to other mental health services across the region.

I remember calling for the first time. I was so nervous, what would they say? what would they ask? could they even help? Once I started talking though I found the people at the end of the other line, calm, comforting and encouraging. They aren’t just there if you are suicidal. You can call for all sorts of reasons. Today,  I called because tomorrow is my last appointment with the therapist I have been seeing for over two years. I’m distraught, I’m grieving and I needed someone to talk to. Sometimes they just listen, sometimes they offer advice. Today the advice was to go for a walk, then make a cup of tea, curl up in a blanket, put my favourite show on TV and just cry if I needed to. (But I’m not so good with the crying-I don’t have patience for it-its just too painful)

You can call anonymously but I’ve found it more helpful to tell them a bit about myself. They get to know you and I believe they make some notes so that if you call again you’re not starting from scratch. Calling a crisis line can feel scary but the options if you don’t call I think are much worse.

It takes courage to reach out, but when you do I think you’ll find that some else is reaching back.

crisis line

Have you ever used a crisis line or tried Here 24/7? What was your experience?

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