Dear Future Jen,
This is not a weight loss post. Though it may look like one. I look in the mirror and I see the fat on my body and it feels awful. Having fat is so stigmatized in our society that one look in the mirror and I can convince myself that I am worthless just based on that. What society believes about me based on my looks is that I have no value and that I don’t look after myself. And though it’s hard to admit. Painful to admit, they’d be half right. I don’t look after myself.
I don’t think about the food I’m eating. I don’t consider if it has nutritional value or not. I eat when I’m hungry which is how it should be but what I don’t think about is what I’m feeding that hunger with. I have an eating disorder. I eat for comfort, I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m upset, I eat to punish myself to damage myself. I eat til my plate is clean and yours is too.
I don’t exercise. I have so much pain some days that getting out of bed is the challenge. But on days when I am able to move more. I don’t because I’m paralyzed by the fear that it will hurt. And so I sit. I lie down. I become more and more sedentary.
I feel like I’m caught in this cycle.
But Future Jen, this year, in 2017 we promised ourselves a revolution. We promised ourselves we’d shake things up and that is just what I intend to do. I don’t plan to cut back on food. I’ll eat when I’m hungry because I truly believe that deprivation is not the way to health. What I will do is think about nutrition and what I want to fuel my body with. I have control over what I eat and I’ll make more conscious decisions. But if I want pie or cheesecake, I’m having pie or cheesecake. (just saying)
I’ll work with my physiotherapist to overcome my Kinesiophobia. I plan to move more this year, though right now I don’t know what that looks like.
So Future Jen, I’ll do all these things not because I want to lose weight. The truth is I’ll always have fat on my body. I do these things because I want life to be better for you. I want you to feel better, more energetic, I want every cell in you to have the nutrition it needs so that you can heal. I’ll do this for you because I know one day you’ll thank me.