Tag: emotions

Worthiness- a new concept


Worthiness. According to the quote above. I am worthy, right here, right now as I sit typing this post. It’s such a foreign concept to me. I’ve never felt worthy before. According to this quote I don’t need to be 120 pounds to be worthy. I don’t need to be the most beautiful, the most intelligent. I don’t need to have the most friends. According to this quote, I am worthy just by merely existing.

But worthy for what? I guess that’s the big question here. For love? For belonging? This quote seems all encompassing. But perhaps it means worthy for whatever I want? And that my friends, is a really big deal. That’s a life changer. Just think about it- worthy for whatever I want.

If only believing worthiness was as easy as reading about it.

So how does someone learn that they are worthy? How do they actually feel it.  I can imagine that it must be a wonderful feeling. I think I have a sense of it in the unconditional love I feel from family and friends though I’ve never felt deserving of it. And I often worry that someday my friends will discover the real me and change their minds.

I think the first step (and it may sound hokey) is writing it down on a post-it and putting it on my bathroom mirror, so that I see it everyday, and say it everyday. “I am worthy”.

It’s a small step- but I think I’ll start there.


Do you believe that you are worthy?

Do you have any positive affirmations you say to yourself?




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Kinesiophobia- The Fear of Movement



Kinesiophobia is defined as “the fear of moving. In the world of physiotherapy, it is a well documented disorder where a person believes that movement can cause more injury and pain.” (http://www.professionalptandtraining.com/general-health-information/what-is-kinesiophobia/)

I have kinesiophobia. After years of chronic pain, and inflammation, I’ve developed a really intense fear of movement. I can walk for a short duration but anything more and I’m terrified of injury. I fear it will lead to more pain and suffering. People say I should try and move more, try to go for walks, but they don’t seem to understand how paralyzing the fear is. But today I met with my new physiotherapist and guys, she understood it. We had an honest, open conversation about it and I finally feel heard and listened to.

I’ve understood for a long time that I am stuck in a pain cycle. I have pain, I move less, I get tighter, I have pain, I move less, I get tighter and so on and so on. But I’ve never seen a way out of that cycle or thought it was possible. Until today. I think I’ve finally met the physiotherapist that is going to help me change my life. It’s going to be a slow process but I left today feeling so hopeful.  We’re going to start with very small movements along with a lot of deep breathing and taking the time to mentally reassure myself that I am safe and that the movements will not harm me. That’s it. That’s where we’re starting. No long involved exercises on multiple sheets of paper. Just simple small movements and no pressure.

So tonight that is my goal. To do a series of 4 small movements 10 times without fear. Or at least with less fear. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Have you had experience with Kinesiophobia? How did it affect your life?

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This is Me at 40


Tomorrow is my 40th birthday. I find that hard to believe. I feel permanently 18 years old in my head, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe I’ll be young forever that way. In some ways I feel so much younger than my age and in some ways I feel so much older. My mind may be young but this body is old. It’s seen so much pain and illness for a 40 year old. At least I think so. But the reality is- this is me at 40.

This is me at 40, my laugh hasn’t changed, my eyes are still green, my hair is till brown (so far). I’m married to my best friend who looks at me with love and acceptance, who holds my hand and is so patient.

This is me at 40, my son is 15. He’s an amazing human being who I helped create and watching him grow and change is my absolute privilege.

This is me at 40, my body hurts, my head spins, I’m tired and often can’t sleep but I have family and friends who love me, who hold me up when I feel like I don’t have the strength to go on.

This is me at 40, I have good days and bad days. I wish I was smarter, thinner, prettier. I can’t do the job I love, but I have still found some way to share and give back even if it’s not the way I  thought it would be.

This is me at 40, I love coffee, and cups of tea. I love reading and writing and I watch way too much TV. I love movies, and the smell of the library and the sound of a new book being opened. I love to sing, I used to dance, I love pizza and ice cream. I love to travel and Disney is my happy place. I love my house and the feel of my husbands hand in mine.

This is me at 40 and I am grateful.

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A Case of the Wishes


I’ve come down with a case of the “wishes”. It doesn’t involve a fever or the flu but it is that feeling that overcomes you when you want your life to be different and you spend time wishing for what it could be.  Like these ones that came over me today:

  • I wish I wasn’t in pain
  • I wish I wasn’t anxious all the time
  • I wish I was there was a cure for fibromyalgia
  • I wish there was a cure for depression
  • I wish there was a cure for PTSD
  • I wish I could work
  • I wish I could contribute somehow
  • I wish I was thinner and pretty
  • I wish I could read a book in a day like I use to
  • I wish money wasn’t a concern for us
  • I  wish I could fix up the house the way we’d like to
  • I wish Trump wasn’t running for President of the U.S. (this scares me)
  • I wish people always had a safe place to live and food in their bellies
  • I wish I was really really smart and could solve the worlds problems

One of the biggest problems with a “case of the wishes” is that it makes you feel powerless over your life.

Where do you begin to change things? and is it even possible?

In my case, getting what I wish for just isn’t going to happen. So what do I do?

I think there are two remedies that can cure a case of the wishes. A good dose of reality and spending the time to create a gratitude list or at least looking at one you’ve already created- like this one I made here. That’s what I intend to do this afternoon. Make a cup of tea and spend time with a feeling of gratitude and remind myself that my life is really blessed.

Have you ever been hit with a case of the wishes? What’s one wish you have? What about one thing you’re grateful for? Let me know in the comments.

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